The Strangest RPG

Or otherwise known as, I have no clue what the heck I'm doing anymore. Have a weird snippet inspired by generic RPGs, incompetent villains, and teenaged heroes everywhere.

"My lord emperor, I humbly thank you for granting me audience amidst your busy schedule. I, Lord Emacil of House Lilivan, formerly request military aid for dealing with recent uprisings spearheaded by a... militant band of miscreants for the past six months."

"Lord Emacil. Why would a band of miscreants trouble you so much to request formal aid? What band of miscreants can best three imperial legions of highly trained men?"

"Milord, those youngsters are no ordina..."

"Youngsters? Are you saying that these... miscreants are teenagers?"

"...Yes. But they're no ordinary teenagers! They've bested my men and...!"

"...How in the seven hells can a band of tee... When you say militant band, exactly how many are we talking about?"

"...According to my reports, there are four of them, my lord."

"...You are telling me, that three full legions of men who have gone through full Academy training spanning five years cannot apprehend, capture, or kill four teenagers?"

"I... yes, my lord."

"Tell me about these teenagers."

"Well... from our last encounter, they managed to take out my personal guard before I managed to..."

"Four teenagers took out your personal guard? Lord Emacil, perhaps I should revoke your titles. Brought to your knees by teenagers? You could not best four teenagers with over three hundred fully trained men, let alone an elite handpicked troops?!"

"No! Please, let me explain! They're no ordinary teenagers! There's this one, he's got spiky yellow hair and has a giant broadsword! He snapped the blades of two of my men with a single blow!"

"...You must be joking. How can a teenager have enough strength to outmatch two able-bodied men, with a single stroke, no less? What kind of sword was he using?"

"Well, I have informants that saw him coming out of an armory in Kimsthlbac with it, so I... suppose that he purchased it from there..."

"Are you telling me, that the equipment used by the Imperial Legion, conquerers of the three continents of Rowld, is inferior to weapons sold by common smithies?"

"Milord! I..."

"Never mind, continue on."

"Well, there's also a very talented female mage they have with them, causing a lot of casualties with fire and wind magic. And sometime in the last month, she acquired a staff that can revive her comrades from death."

"...What?"

"She can revive people from the dead and communicate with the dead... using some rare magical staff? I think it's how they found the sewage pipes that led into my manor.... "

"Where was this staff found?"

"According to our reports, she found it in a treasure chest in the Northern Caves."

"...Alright, let me see if I can summarize your pathetic failures. You have a force of 300-strong men that cannot bring down a rowdy teenager and a troop of three because there's one who purchased a weapon that so ridiculously outclasses the weapons used by your troops that it can snap two of them at the same time and another whom can revive people from the dead using a rare magical staff found in a cave that has been under your jurisdiction for six years. Am I right?"

"I... yes. I...!"

"Save your pathetic groveling. What I want to know is, why are your troops so goddamn underequipped that some teens can walk in and beat them with their hands tied behind their backs apparently, why you didn't search and seize all the goddamn treasure of a cave that has been in your possession since five years ago, and why your sewage pipes are large enough to fit fully grown people and w!"

"I... I have no excuses for my failings, my lord."

"I gathered that much already... Well apparently, since teenagers nowadays can stand up to men with full military training with little to no experience using random weapons they find in locales guarded by incompetently led troops, I will grant your request. Heavens know why you didn't just have an archer assassinate them from afar..."

"Actually, I did, my lord. Except, well... he failed and hit the leader's best friend and incapacitated him for a short while. They've been increasingly aggressive since then."

"...Your assassins can't hit a teenager, carrying a massive broadsword with yellow hair? And you just WOUNDED a nearby ally? Oh, for the... never mind. Your incompetence grates on me. You are dismissed."

"Yes, my lord emperor."

"..."

"Useless sycophants... No common sense at all. Verstan."

"Yes, milord?"

"You heard the fool. Apparently, the younger they are, the faster and better they learn. We will begin the training of Group 3173 immediately."

"Yes milord. According to the schematics, if teenagers can become full-fledged equals to imperial soldiers in a span of six months..."

"Heh."

-----

"In deh name of deh empewewr, suwwendah or dai!"

"Are you seeing what I'm seeing, Ohre?"

"I don't believe it."

"He sed no! Kill dem! Kill dem all!"

"Holy shit!"

"I don't believe it."

"Ah! Heal! Heal...ah!!"

"Noooooo...! Help!!"

"Can't let it end here...! Ack! How am I getting beat... AGH!!!"

"I...don't...believe...it..."

"... My quest for vengeance... ended... by a bunch of armed... toddlers?..."

Clearly, I need more practice at dialogue. And sleep. Well, not practice for sleep so much as just sleep.

EDIT: Penguin story is next, but I need more sleep to write it semi-coherently. And you're the only one on the sidebar inx because you're amazing and IN SOVIET 3D, INKS WRITE YOU. INX.

And now I'm tempted to write a story about Soviet inkbrushes.